Underwear, Escalators and Zombies

How long does underwear last?

 

That is a trick question, for some people a year or two is the answer, others figure a decade or two just about covers it and my way of thinking is that when there is no longer elastic on the waistband and holes worn out where the hole goes, then it is time to start thinking about replacements. I have also had to factor in that my ass has been getting larger over the years and it is now like putting ten pounds of fat in a five pound bag.

 

For the past couple of weeks I have been searching internet sites to find the elusive inexpensive, high quality, perfect fitting underwear. There are lots of options to pick from, but as we all know not all underwear fits the same. I have some bargain basement brand that for some inexplicable reason keeps moving further down my ass like I was some teenage hip hopper dickhead. So NO to that brand. Really, no to all brands other than Stanfields.

 

I mulled over making my own underwear, but I am not sure I could. Knowing me I would make it out of the cheapest fabric I could find. I am sure I would get used to burlap skivvies, but with brown cloth it would be impossible to see if I had a fart or a wet fart. The loose weave would give the boys nice air circulation I suppose.

 

Stanfields has been in business since 1856, is Canadian and I have to think they know what they are doing when it comes to underwear. I have been happy with their product for several decades and with any luck the underwear that I bought today will be covering my ass when I am laying in a coffin. The only thing I don’t like about the underwear is that the picture of the guy on the package is a little intimidating. There is no way I can match that guy’s package. I am going to have to keep it out of sight or I  will be reduced to tears of inadequacy.

 

Today I drove Louise to the doctors, and while she was being poked and prodded I popped into THE BAY to pick up some underwear. I don’t know why, but the Menswear Department is always on the second floor at THE BAY, so I headed to the  up escalator. It was making odd grinding noises and it has been a while since I stepped onto any escalator but I am pretty sure that wasn’t a normal sound. I stepped on and travelled back in time to when I was little and had to hold mom’s hand when I stepped onto any escalator. What a marvelous invention! Just like stairs but effort free. Can you imagine what people thought of the first escalators? Adults had to be cool, but us kids would go up one side and then run to the down side and then back up again. There was/is no down side! Well, there was but… I always loved it when the escalator was empty and I could walk down the up escalator or up the down escalator and stay in the same place . Well, until one of the sales staff told me to get off.

So, now I have four pair of Stanfields the I can put into rotation. I might just leave them in the wrapper in case I ever need pristine underwear. If the Zombie apocalypse happens then I will be able to run for my life in clean underwear. If I am surrounded by Zombies then I can soil clean underwear.