An Unpleasant Aberration

I consider myself a normal kind of guy. Millions of people are like me, just a regular, run of the mill type. Nothing special.

I want to stress regular. Those with sensitive constitutions might want to click on the little red “X” at the top right and come back in a day or two.

I have never concerned myself with the foods I put in my mouth and for the most part, life has treated me pretty well. I don’t remember that constipation has ever been a problem for me. Sure, the odd time I went a few days without making boom-boom, but that was mostly due to being in some place with a toilet I don’t feel comfortable with.

I could never live in a country where the toilet is a hole in the floor. Aside from the fact that my aim is questionable at best, squatting has never worked well for me. I remember when I was very little, one of my first memories, I was on a golf course with my dad and I had to go. He sent me into the woods, assuming that I meant I had to pee, but the reality was much different and I ended up leaving my underwear behind a tree on the seventh hole. It was a defining moment of my life and I have never forgotten. Many years later, I had to squat on a Vancouver Island beach but I had performance anxiety even though there was no one within two miles. There is a tree near Tsocowis Creek that can thank me for the fertilizer and I thank the tree for something to prop my back against when I needed it most.

However, if I “know” the toilet I won’t have any difficulty. As I said, I am just a regular kind of guy. Maybe I can expect to have more problems as I get older and my body is wearing down. I don’t think I have over used that part of me, but I don’t really have anything to compare myself to. A buddy of mine in high school once estimated the number of times he would crap in his life. He took an average of 12 times a week X 52 weeks X 76 years = 47,424. Thanks for that benchmark Don. Personally I would be under that figure, but I don’t know anything about the wear and tear on the human sphincter. I figure I should still be good for many years to come.

Well, until this morning. The only way I can describe it is that I think I pushed a whole pineapple out. I don’t remember eating anything with thorns or sharp edges on it, but perhaps I was sleep eating and swallowed a Rubik’s Cube whole. I did have some popcorn yesterday, but I lubricated that with some pudding.

I am going to chalk this morning up to an unpleasant aberration which will never repeat itself. If I have anything to say about it, we will only ever have canned pineapple in this house!