The Upper Limit

The first thing I saw when I turned on the computer this morning is that David Bowie had passed away from cancer. I was never a big fan of his, but there were more than a few songs of his I liked and he changed the face of the music industry in many ways. I doubt that there were many “if onlys” coming from him towards the end. He will be missed.

Death seems to be all around me lately and I am dwelling on it quite a lot. Mainly due to my brothers untimely passing, but also my own mortality has been brought to the forefront of my mind. Will there be many “if onlys” when I am near the end? Will I linger and suffer like some do or go quickly like my brother? Will I be the architect of my own demise or will old age and the ravages from excess finally take me?

I have been thinking about how my grandmother passed and how nice it was for her to have lived to an old age on her own terms. Dad passed away due to a blood clot breaking loose and stopping his heart while he was moving snow off of a shrub. Mom succumbed a few years later to Crohn’s-colitis and eventually a stroke. None of the deaths are easy and to this day I wonder if there was something I could have done to prevent their deaths if I were present. Probably not, but a guy can’t help but think about it every time someone I know passes.

Thankfully, only one of the people I grew up with and I was close to has passed. My good buddy Ken was in a horrible motorcycle accident in his late twenties. He was taken far too soon and not a day goes by when I don’t wonder what kind of a man he would have become and what kind of children he would have had. I hope that no other friends decide that it is their time very soon. We have all just recently gotten back in regular communication through the magic of facebook and it is nice to see how their lives have blossomed.

I have been thinking that every time there is a death in your life, a small part of you is taken away. It is good that those you love take a part of your spirit with them for a reminder or perhaps company. However, I worry that maybe I have given too large a piece of me to those who have passed on. There must remain enough of me to enjoy my life and keep feeding energy to my spirit. I wonder if that is a contributing factor to your own death, too little of your spirit is left to anchor you to this world.

On good days I know that the spirit is unlimited and my time on this planet is limited. I just hope it is the upper limit.