Fear

I guess the first fear that I had was the fear of being born. Well, I may not have feared it, but birth was a major change and from what I have seen, it must be pretty painful. There are all sorts of changes that are happening and I have never dealt with change very well, I guess it must have started at birth.

The next fear that I can remember is the fear of my dad and mom. I didn’t like to get spanked and unfortunately I found it pretty hard not to do the kind of things that would result in a spanking. Parents spanking their kids was an indication that they loved us, not that they needed to be charged for abuse and the kids taken away from them. My next biggest fear was the fear of getting out of bed at night. I think this fear might just be the same as fear of my parents, but I was pretty sure there were monsters living under the bed and in my closet. Sometimes the monsters from under the bed went on holiday and left alligators to keep me in bed at night.

The next few years had a few fears, nothing really major. There was the terror that someone would hit a ball to me when I was in left field or that when I did get up to bat I would strike out. Like most fears however, the more you were confronted with them the less fearsome they became. There was Gary Templeton who was a grade school bully and an assortment of other playground bullies. Luckily, I didn’t irritate these guys too much and the ones I did bug, my brother would protect me from.

Once I hit high school, I was afraid of exams. I often knew the work; I just was terrified of testing. Oh, there were girls, those mysterious creatures that I avoided most of the time but was inexplicably drawn to. I’m not sure if it were the fear of girls, or the fear of rejection, probably rejection. I think that at the time I could take most of the girls I knew in a fair fight. Well, if they fought fair and I sucker punched them I would win…maybe.

Once I became an adult, I feared what most adults fear. I was afraid that my wife would come to her senses and leave me. I still worry about that, but then as now, I have no way to stop her if she wants to go. I feared that something horrible would happen when she was giving birth. I feared that I wouldn’t be a good father after she had given birth. I was afraid that I would murder the kids when they pushed me past insane. Just to be clear, we started with three and still have all three.

There is a special fear when your child has a potentially life threatening illness. I guess the fear comes from not being able to do anything about it at all. That same fear is there for the grand children, not being in control I mean. I doubt that I would do any better than my kids do (I know I wouldn’t), but not being in charge leaves me helpless and afraid. I’m afraid that Hurricane doesn’t believe in magic any more. I think I am afraid that I won’t be able to convince him that magic is all around, waiting to be seen and enjoyed.

I don’t have many fears left. I do fear that I haven’t given my wife the life she deserved. I fear that I will die without watching Hurricane, Tornado and Tsunami grow into adults with fears of their own. I don’t fear death; in fact when it comes (in 50 or 60 years) I will embrace the adventure. Well, not if the afterlife involves that Teacup ride at a carnival. I’m afraid of those things!