A Fair Compromise

Have you ever tried to talk to someone that doesn’t understand your language?

I met a lovely French speaking girl a few years ago and aside from smiling and nodding my head, I had no idea what she was saying. I had to rely on Louise to translate for me, because it appears that she actually paid attention in school when they were teaching conversational French. I on the other hand had an agreement with my French teacher. She wouldn’t ask me any questions or expect me to pay attention in class and I wouldn’t disrupt her class. I thought it was a good compromise at the time, but she still got paid and I never did learn French.

I have learned how to get a person to sign their name for a registered letter in about 15 different languages. Okay, I basically held up the letter, the paper and made writing motions with the pen, all the while smiling and nodding my head. The odd time I would say “You need to sign here!” and they would look at me like I was speaking a foreign language. I was, but I figured I could get through to them by raising my voice. “YOU NEED TO SIGN HERE!” Still nothing… This is when I invented the waving the pen and smiling and nodding technique. I should have patented it, since then I have seen hundreds of people using it.

Tonight, Buster started to choke in the living room. At first I said “What’s wrong?” Buster ignored me as dogs often will when they are facing imminent death from choking. I raised my voice and said “WHAT’S WRONG? ARE YOU OKAY?” Still more choking, but now it looked like he was going to puke on the carpet. DON’T PUKE ON THE FUCKING CARPET!” I’d gone from concern to anger in a millisecond. I didn’t even bother with the paper, pen, waving and smiling method at all.

I hate cleaning up dog puke. I suppose I could just leave it and he would eventually get around to eating it, but that’s gross enough to make me want to puke. I chased him off of the carpet, into the kitchen and then outside into the freezing cold. Yes, I know it wasn’t one of my finest moments, but you have to remember that we are talking about dog puke here.

It was really cold out and Buster had been out there for about five minutes. Now, I am thinking I sent him out to choke to death in the freezing cold and that he is lying in some snow bank stiffening up right now. How long would it take for a tiny dog like him to freeze solid? I went out into the cold only to find him sniffing some of his two day old shit. He wasn’t dying, choking or even freezing to death. Now I am cold and mad. “GET IN THE HOUSE YOU STUPID DOG!”

I know I should try to learn dog, but maybe we can come to an agreement, I won’t ask Buster any questions and in return he won’t puke on the carpet. That’s a fair compromise…