I Can Believe In a Fat Vampire

Do you believe in ghosts?

 

I can’t say that I do, but I am willing to admit there are things that defy explanation. Probably the reason that I don’t believe is that I have never been anywhere that there are ghosts. Canada is a pretty young country and we really haven’t had the opportunity to build up a good healthy supply of angry spirits. Sure there would be native ghosts, but from what I understand they were one with the Great Spirit and returned to it or something like that. Besides, the indigenous population was relatively small and the chances of running into an angry native are pretty remote.

 There are people who die for various reasons that would make them want to hang around to get even. Except they can’t get even, because they are not corporeal. I’ll tell you that if I had killed someone, it wouldn’t bother me that much if doors would close or candles blow out, I’d just open the door and relight the candle. Go ahead and rattle your chains! Ghosts just seem to add to the charm of these old homes. I guess all ghosts are charming when you have never seen one. I would shit my pants if I actually saw a ghost that was out to get me.

 

I really don’t believe in the undead. Well, I guess everyone that is alive is technically one of the undead and some of the people you see on the street are pretty scary. I don’t believe that dead people rise from the grave and all of a sudden develop a taste for human flesh. I remember reading that one of the reasons man survived against much stronger predators that had large teeth and very sharp claws, is that we taste bad. If given a choice, a lion will eat a nice tender lamb instead of a smelly, stringy human. I would think that zombies wouldn’t be any different than lions when the choice was actual food or human flesh.

I have trouble understanding why we humans are on the planet; I sure as hell have no idea why someone would rise from the dead just to shuffle around after screaming people. I guess I don’t believe in zombies because I’ve never seen them either. Oh, and I don’t want to see any.

 

Vampires are just stupid. I don’t understand the current fascination about vampires. Sure, it doesn’t hurt that they are all really good looking and terribly sexy. Personally, I don’t find that a being who is about to suck the life out of me, is that sexy. If you want the life sucked out of you, then get a job with the Post Office and before you know it you will be old and used up, unloved and unemployable.

 

Wouldn’t a really successful vampire be extremely fat? They would have all the “food” they needed and get to sleep in whatever coffin they choose. I guess they would keep a herd of prey and whenever they needed some nourishment they’d just cut one out of the herd. I still say that lambs of cattle would be a better food source for them. No, a successful vampire wouldn’t have a care in the world.

I can believe in a fat vampire.