The Green Phone Thingy

You know, I like to think of myself as the kind of guy that can, with a little study and more than a little focus. Learn pretty much anything I try to learn.

Years ago I read about a man that developed a heart condition at a very early age. The doctors all talked down to him when he wanted to know just how serious his condition was, which made him want to know all the more. This caused him to begin reading about his condition and he found that the subject was very interesting to him. To make a long story just a little shorter, this guy became one of the leading experts in cardiology and doctors from around the world would consult with him. I guess it just goes to show that given the drive, determination and innate ability, you can learn almost anything.

I don’t think that people anywhere are going to be calling me to learn what I know, but over the years I have picked up a few things. I have learned a little bit about how computers work and I am quite comfortable messing around in the cyber world. I can generally work out what the problem is and figure out a solution to my difficulty. Generally. I am also one of those people that find all silences awkward.

Just a side note here, my grandson Hurricane learned the word “Awkward” and has been using it for the past couple of weeks. He has taught his brother how to say “awkward” and believe me when I tell you that when a 21 month old says “awkward” it is super cute. Unfortunately, Hurricane has also been teaching his brother to say “poop”, “fart”, “bummy” and “pee”. Sweet first words! I remember when I worked with a bunch of Italians; they also taught me how to speak. They sent me to ask the boss for a hammer, and I guess I actually said that “I wanted to fuck his mother.” Yep, pretty funny stuff. I have done the same to non English speakers myself. I suppose being an asshole to those that don’t speak our language is just hard wired into us.

So, anyways, I find silences awkward and tend to fill the silences with words. I don’t pay as much attention to these words as I should, but every now and then I hear a response that goes “Wow, that’s great! Can you come over and help me with my problem?” Now I have to ask what problem and when they tell me I dredge up that part of the conversation about how I had the very same difficulty and managed to fix it. Sure, I can help! Of course, when I get there, there isn’t a chance in hell that what I did on my computer and had it work would work here. Makes me look like a liar and an idiot.

Tonight, something of the same sort happened. I tried to have a video chat on gmail with a buddy on Gabriola Island. It was kind of like a retarded monkey trying to teach a retarded monkey how not to be retarded. I lack the technical terms and even if I had them, my buddy wouldn’t have known what the hell I was on about. We resorted to the tried and true “No, no, no, it is the green thingy on the upper right. Well, my upper right. It would be your lower left. Maybe is there anything that looks like a little camera or a phone? No, a movie camera not a still camera…”

That shit went on for hours. We had a good visit though. I am pretty confident that the next time we talk it will be using the green phone thingy on the bottom right of my screen but the top, middle left on his screen…I think. You know, we could just use the regular phone system and bypass all of this high tech stuff.