That Asshole With The Beard

I am one of those men that wear a beard. I think that it makes me look much better than if I wore no beard at all. I could look better I suppose, but that would involve a large bag covering my entire head, which would make driving, eating and touching my tongue to frozen posts nearly impossible.

I guess the main reason for my beard is that I don’t have to shave every morning. I know that you don’t have to shave every day, but if you don’t you look pretty scruffy, and if scruffy is the look you want, then just grow a beard. Beards make a statement about the man with the beard. Generally it is “Look how rugged I am.”, but it can also be “Have you been a good little boy this year? Ho…Ho…Ho!” Kids are starting to look at me and stop whatever bad things they are doing.

I picked up a bag of disposable razors a few years back and they are great for the touch ups that I need to do on my neck and cheeks. When you only shave a couple of square inches of face every week or so, the razor will last almost indefinitely. Well, they will last a few years. I thought that I should buy a proper razor that you can use over and over again. I actually have a shaving brush and it would be kind of nice to use it again. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that razors were from ten to twenty bucks and the replacement blades require a small loan from the bank. Well, that just isn’t going to happen! It has been about two months, and I am still using the last blade, but it is beginning to bite me of late.

I thought that I had the solution a couple of weeks ago when I went in to get the Holtor monitor attached at the hospital. I guess some men actually have body hair and it needs to be shaved off in order to hook up the electrodes. I sat on the bed waiting for the guy to come in and deal with me when I noticed about thirty disposable razors that had been…well…disposed of. I just couldn’t think of a way to ask for them without sounding really creepy. They would have been okay; I mean they only had one use and I would have washed them. I am still in a quandary about what to do about a razor. I just might have to bite the bullet and buy some more disposables. I did see a straight razor at the second hand store not too long ago, but the thought of bringing a four inch razor to my throat the first thing in the morning before my first coffee, doesn’t bear thinking about.

I was reminded today of a time when I did shave off my beard. I had had it for about 27 years and not only was I curious about how I would look, but the kids had never seen me without a beard. Should be fun. I shaved when I got home from work, and the kids were a little weirded out when they saw me, but they took it all in stride. They thought I was a doofus with or without the beard. Louise came home and screamed when she saw me. Not a good thing really. My buddy was picking me up outside the doctors and he just drove past me. I forgot to tell him that I might look a little different. I looked in the mirror and I saw my dad’s face. That was kind of eerie.

The next day at work I took a little ribbing from my co-workers and it was business as usual. When I was delivering the mail I came up to a house and the guy came to the door and said hi to me. I said hi back and he said “It’s nice to have a new mailman, that asshole with the beard was a real jerk!”

I looked him in the eye and said “Yeah, I have heard that a lot today. You know between you and me I have never really liked him, and you are right. He is an asshole.” I gave him his mail and kept delivering the mail, happy that I had a new friend. One positive aspect of shaving was that all of the people that I didn’t want to talk to couldn’t recognize me. It was bliss for a while. The trouble was, I had to bring a razor to my throat every morning before I was really awake, so I started to grow it back and have been fuzzy ever since.

My beard grew too…