Tonight Louise and I had supper with Brendan and Tara. The food was good and plentiful, almost too plentiful. I feel too full to write this and at any time I may just say “Piss on it!” and that is what you will be reading. You know the feeling when you are full but continue to eat until it is uncomfortable and then you stuff even more food down your throat? No? So, Just me then...okay.
It was a kind of interesting night, with pleasant conversation throughout dinner and later on at Brendan’s place. I was even allowed to tell some of my “stories”. Usually I begin and whoever is in the audience start to look a little panicky until they see a viable reason to get up and leave. Can’t blame them really.
The one story was about a time that I worked as a warehouseman for Brooke Bond Foods. Brooke Bond Foods is the company that manufactures Red Rose tea and is responsible for all of those tiny porcelain figurines that lay discarded in junk drawers all across this fine nation of ours. I had quite a collection at one time, due mainly to the fact that I would slit open the tea boxes and rummage around the box until my fingers wrapped around one of the figurines. I kind of feel guilty now about all of those people that bought a box of tea with the expectation of a ceramic reward, only to find nothing but tea in their new box of tea. Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Not a good enough apology for you? Well, I am sure you did some awful shit when you were young too, so let’s just call this a “pay-it-backwards” kind of thing.
There was a guy that I worked with whose name was Mike. Mike was pretty much the quintessential dick. I knew pretty much from the moment I met him that I could have a lot of fun fucking him over. Once, after we had done inventory and the company had ordered about a years worth of canned corned beef it was discovered that we already had a years worth of canned corned beef that someone hadn’t counted. We had a floor meeting and Mr. Allen the plant supervisor was really pissed! Mr. Allen was the spitting image of Bert’s Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins. You remember, he was played by Ed Winn and he was the guy that would float whenever he laughed. Well, Mr. Allen wasn’t laughing.
Later on in the day I was talking to Mr. Allen about what he wanted me to do for the rest of the afternoon, when I noticed that Mike was watching us. I went back into the warehouse and Mike asked what Mr. Allen wanted. I told him that they had discovered who made the mistake during inventory and it was you. I kind of laughed and said what a relief, because I thought that it might have been me (it actually was me, but there was no way I would tell anyone). Mike squared his shoulders and marched to his doom, and I pretended to do work that took me within earshot. He walked right up to Mr. Allen and said “I understand that I was the one that made the mistake in counting the corned beef.”
Kindly Mr. Allen looked a little stunned and then said “Mike that takes a lot of guts to admit that you made the mistake when you could have just said nothing and no one would know the difference”. Mike shot me a look of hatred, but I just blew him a kiss while Mr. Allen proceeded to ream him a new asshole, filled it in and then reamed him another asshole.
You know, I guess I should feel some kind of remorse after treating a fellow human being like that, but surprisingly, it just makes me smile and say to myself “Good times...good times...”
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