Go Where And Do What To Myself?

I was thinking today that no one likes to get advice and everyone likes to give advice.

Why is there so much supply and so little demand? It goes against everything that I learned in school. Okay, I didn’t learn very much in school, other than to keep a low profile and make sure that you chew gum to mask the smell of tobacco or beer. I learned to skip and that jocks could be real assholes in the locker room. I learned that girls didn’t want what I was offering. Thankfully, neither did the boys. I learned that the teachers wanted to be there even less than we did. I learned that if you had what was in demand (drugs) you could supply it and make money.

Not me, but other people.

You know, that even when someone asks for your advice, they really don’t want it. I had my hair cut a while back and at the end of the cut my barber (Dennis) holds up a mirror in order for you to see the back of your head. I have told him again and again that he shouldn’t bother because at my stage of life it isn’t my hair that will impress people. Quite frankly, I am not sure what does impress people, but I know it isn’t a nice straight edge on the back of my neck. So, anyway, I thought that this time I would say that the edge was kind of crooked. By the look on his face, I knew that he didn’t hear this very often. Dennis got all reddish and called the other barber over to look at it. I told him I was kidding, but he kept going on and on and on. Even though his name is Dennis, he was a real dick!

I have had women ask me what they look like in this dress or that pair of pants. Even I know they don’t want to hear what I really think. Once (before my nose was broken), a woman asked me if these pants make me look fat? I said the pants were fine; it was the cellulite that makes you look fat. I have been known to walk up to someone smoking and tell them that I had heard that smoking isn’t good for you. They look at me like I am speaking a foreign language. In a lot of cases I guess that I am.

We get these phone surveys fairly regularly and more often than not they are asking questions about how the government is doing. Being retired and having lots of time to think and talk about exactly how all three levels of government have let us down, I don’t mind telling the pollsters. I imagine most people must just say that everything is fine, because when I start to rant about what I think is wrong and how it can be improved the pollster tries to steer me back to the set answers he has in front of him. Long before I have finished making my suggestions they thank me and hang up.

Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is when your life takes a trip into Hell and instead of your friend listening and nodding like they should you start to get advice. “Well, everyone knew he was a loser when he brought a date to your wedding. When he quit his job and tried to get workmen’s comp for a paper cut, should have been a clue as well.” You know that when you have a shitty day at work and start to tell your spouse about all the bad that happened and after every one of your complaints they will ask if you are still making good money, or get all sorts of free time off with eight weeks of holidays. I can remember talking to my wife in the morning and telling her what an awful day I was having, the mail was heavy and I had to go to a meeting. She called home around 12:30 to leave me a message of support and love, but when I answered the phone there was an icy edge to her voice. “I thought that you had a heavy, awful day!” I replied that although it was a heavy awful day it doesn’t take any longer to deliver. It was then that we were cut off. Damned Telus!

I think that my dream job would be a greeter at Wal-Mart. You could dispense advice without being asked.

“Good morning sir, deodorant is on sale in aisle 15.”

“Morning Sir or Miss, the razors are halfway down aisle 47.”

“Yes sir, you just might want to keep away from the candy aisle!”

“Looks like you have already bought out our supply of XXX large spandex ma’am.”

“Sorry sir, this is Wal-Mart, not the county courthouse.”

I just love those people who have suggestions about how you should have done something. “Next time you paint this guy’s mother, you should give her a bigger smile.” “You should have carved him doing a headstand on a bicycle.” I am thinking these helpful people should actually do something, anything themselves!

I guess the whole point of this blog and all of my blogs is that I am giving advice to those that don’t really want it. I am only pointing out your flaws in order for you to improve yourself.

What’s that? Go where and do what to myself?