Phone Hell

I lost my Mother in 2004. I don’t mean that we were out walking in the woods and when I turned around she had wandered off, but rather that she passed away. My dad went in 1997 and Louise’s dad passed in 1991.

Lena, Louise’s mom is all the parent that we have left, and she is 94 years old. She lives in Oshawa which makes our visits few and far between. We do keep in touch with the phone, we call her or she calls us. In recent years she seems to have lost the ability to understand time zones. Perhaps she just doesn’t care. Yes, I think that is closer to the truth.

When she calls and Louise is home I generally do a little small talk and pass the phone to Louise quite quickly. I mean why would anyone talk to me when they could talk to Louise?  It just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, however she calls during the week when Louise is at work. I never used to have phone nightmares, but not only do I get Mr. Bell’s night terrors but I now have them during the daylight hours! One of our typical conversations will go something like this…

RING, RING, RING

“Hello”

(Pause)

“Hello”

“Hi…who is this?”

“It’s Ken, Louise’s husband.”

“Oh! Who’s Louise?”
“You’re youngest daughter.”

“Oh”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Ken, Louise’s husband. How is the weather out there?”

“What?”

“ Is it sunny in Oshawa? It is nice out here in Alberta.”

“Yes. Is Louise there?”

“No, she is at work.”

“Why are you home?”

“I don’t work anymore, I am retired.”

“You don’t work?”

“Nope, not for the last three years.”

“Well, what do you do?”

“Well, all sorts of things. I work around the house, I help friends if they need help, I do cleaning and I cook supper.”

“You cook supper?”

“Well, it isn’t right for Louise to work all day and have to cook supper when she gets home.”

“But you don’t work?”

“NO!”

“Why does Louise work?”

“Well, she likes her job and she likes to buy things.”

“You don’t work?”

It is at this point where I realize that the next time I am just going to tell her I am still working. Her memory is pretty much            shot anyways so what’s the harm? No, that she would remember!

“Sometimes I will work part time at the Post Office if they need me.”

“What do you do for money?”

“Well, Louise works (this is just me being mean) and I have a pension.”

“You have a pension?”

“Yes, I have a pension. It’s a pretty good one too, I make almost as much now as when I was working.”

“Oh. But you don’t work.”

“I have to go out and do some shopping now. I will tell Louise that you called.”

“Bye”

“You take care mom, I love you.”

“Love you too.”

I hang up the phone and thank God it is over. I don’t know why, but I feel guilty for not working when I talk to her. Plus, I don’t have to do any shopping. I am not really a nice guy. So I un-pause the TV and take a sip of my now luke warm tea and wonder what the hell I am going to do today? How am I going to justify my existence? Should I look for a job? Maybe I should go out for a coffee and mull over my wasted life.

RING, RING, RING

“Hello”

(Pause)

“Hello”

“Hi…who is this?”

“It’s Ken, Louise’s husband.”

“Oh! Who’s Louise?”
“Your youngest daughter.”

“Oh”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Ken, Louise’s husband.

“Did I just talk to you?”

“Why yes you did.”

“Oh, I guess I dialed the wrong number. Goodbye again.”

“Bye.”

She was just checking to see if I really was going out. Maybe I should get some bread and milk before I have my coffee. I guess I should buy something for supper…