Fork Them

We went out for dinner tonight to a Vietnamese restaurant. We have been there before and find the food good and plentiful. I always have #45 or #46 and drink the tea provided which really has such a subtle taste it could very well be just hot water. But, it is really hot! Normally when I order I will ask for a fork because all that they have on the table is a serviette, a lame spoon with a flat bottom and chopsticks. A couple of weeks ago I tried my hand at turning a pair of chopsticks (one chopstick is pretty much useless) in the shape of a drumstick. I called it Chopsticks for DRUMMIES. Yep, pretty clever.

Well, since I had the chopsticks I thought that I would practice using them to shock and awe Louise the next time that I was confronted with a pair of sticks to eat with. I have been picking up stones and pencils, large pieces of lint, cracker pieces, etc. etc. etc. Really, if a Chinese toddler can use them then a hungry, overweight, white man should be able to master the fine art of “Chopsticking”. Well, to make a long story just about the length that it is, I managed to “tweeze” my first meal ever! Yea me! I pinched, stabbed, scooped, twirled and flicked the food into my mouth. I guess the problem is that somehow I overworked the muscles in my fingers and they are sort of cramping. Can you get a Charlie horse in your finger? I guess that would be a “Charlie Chan horse” in this case.

I slay me!

So anyway, the point of this is I was wondering why the Oriental people still use chopsticks. It isn’t as if they are the pinnacle of food movers. Forks and spoons are far superior to the chopstick. Oh, I guess people think for some reason the use of chopsticks makes them worldly when it just makes them seem to be posers. I know the arguments, “But they have been used for thousands of years!” which really makes no sense to me at all.

Thousands of years ago people shit in holes in the ground and used one hand to wipe themselves and the other for food. There was no right or left, just the dung hand and the food hand. This is why when people meet they shake hands with their right hand. It was considered an insult to put out your left hand. Perhaps the reason why for a long time left handed people were killed or persecuted is that they ate with their left hand and coochie-cooed babies left handed. I can remember that in school they would force “lefties” to use their right hand to write. Who really trusts the left handed anyways? They are the minions of Satan!

The scouting movement always greet each other with a left handed shake, but I never really trusted that quasi military organization. Can you tie your shoes? Well, you just earned yourself a badge. Can you use your nose to suck in air?? Another badge. Invade Poland. Another badge. That’s the way to raise a group of over achievers!

Old ways aren’t always the best ways. I think that the reason the Chinese didn’t come up with the fork was that they were far too busy building walls, making gunpowder and fireworks,  pasta, silk, acupuncture, the toothbrush (why don’t they use them?), the crossbow, matches, the restaurant menu (no surprise there), tea, the wheelbarrow, the kite and civil service exams (the bastards). Oh God the list just goes on and on. But, what have they done lately? OK, they make everything now.

I think I had best start to learn Mandarin.

So, anyway back to the chopsticks, Fork them!